BINGKONG ASYLUM

February 14 is here. SHEESH! how pathetic can you get?

BINGKONG ASYLUM
The Guardian, Iloilo City
Oftentimes Disturbing
By Reymundo Salao

You. Yes, you. Ask yourself. Why the p^ck are you reading this stupid column when you should be out texting somebody to go out with you today? Why in the name of JLo’s A55 are you not busy tidying up yourself, making sure that there is not speck of dirt on your face, not a chunk of meat between your teeth, making sure that you are a walking air freshener with the gallons of cologne that you bathed yourself in to a point that even the smell between your legs is that of sweet morning dew?

Why fate has not blessed you with the incidence of you stumbling into somebody from your past, perhaps, an old classmate from your elementary years that has turned out to be deliciously gorgeous and irresistibly unattached like yourself, inside the elevator, trapped for moments that seem like forever, providing you a time to catch up on each other. Or if you did, why did your braincells not let you make a move by asking his/her celfone digits? Why, oh WHY, you fool?! Why is fate so cruel to you? Why does it seem like your evil ex is watching you from afar with wicked jest, laughing with malice. Perhaps he/she is inside that tinted fancy car behind the jeepney you’re riding, wherein you’re uncomfortably seated in, immensely annoyed by a smoking seatmate and the cellophane window-cover that cannot hold back the drops of rain from wetting your back, something that will surely give you the flu. Why is it happening? Why must you suffer? Are you supposed to be in a movie where you’re a kind of Rambo who should expect a second-act portion of this big movie called Fate wherein you kick everybody’s a55 straight to kingdom come? If so, where, then is your fair maiden? Or where is your charming prince?

Seems they have all gone out. All them bastards. While you sulk in your solitary state of Crow Soundtracks and Scorpion ballads, everybody is in their overdecorized-by-red malls and marinated-by-mush restaurants. Will you roll up a nice big log of ganja, or to be legal, say hello to the Emperador? Will you be having your cassette player with you and all your Metallica albums? Will you play the “Kill Em All” album and headbang like it was 1996? Or will you desperately browse your celfone fonebook, looking for the first available bachelor/bachelorette you can find.

So when are you going to get a serious relationship? Or for virgins, when are you going to get laid? Is pre-marital sex really a sin? Or was it just something the priests added to the dogma so that they wont be jealous of the hedonistic bachelors? If you find yourself in the position (pun kato!) of shooting bamboo, would the theological beings be upset, or will they be happy over your current little success, like any proud parent whose proud of their child’s achievements? If she gets pregnant, would you be ready to be the father? Would you be ready to marry her? Would you be giving up days filled with PC Games, mallratting, getting stoned, getting drunk, hiking the hills of Mordor, and watching a Sexbomb concert, for a twist of fate into fatherhood? IF you’re a woman, would you be ready to be a mother? Are you ready to give up smoking, drinking, and freestyle flirting, and settle for an eternal monogamy?

As the whole world seems to be in some nice sweet screwy place on the same night, you wonder, are there really crowds of couples lining up for their turn to use the motels and lodges, much like how people would stand in line for a Sharon Cuneta movie? Would it be a wise idea to sell popcorn, ice water, chewing gum, and Stork to the couples lining up?

Which, at last, brings us back to our first question, what are you going to do with yourself now? Was the last 10 minutes of reading this column proved to be a waste of your time? Do you feel more miserable? Wla na ya kaso,bord, ka-OA, sa imo. Nugay na da drama!

(xhmbyw965.belt.flying.disc.web. tripxyde@yahoo.com)



soundtrack of the day:
Sex Pistol
The Misfits
Fear Factory
Cannibal Corpse

TV show of the day:
National Geographic Channel-
The Life of a Monitor Lizard